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Pahk da Kah. (Parking the Car)
Most Singaporean drivers seem to have enormous problems when it comes to parallel-parking the car. I've seen many people suffer behind the wheel while trying frantically to get their Hyundai sqeezed into a parking spot big enough to service a super jumbo. Here's why:
(You mean you actually know why? Yes. Read carefully)
Singaporeans refuse to look over their shoulder when they drive backwards. Instead, they will drive backwards navigating purely on their rear-view mirrors. You have to be a pretty good driver to be able to drive backwards using nothing but mirrors, and Singaporeans, though lovely people, are generally not exactly what you call hero's behind the wheel.
So, my dear Singaporeans, here's my tip to you: look over your shoulder when you drive backwards. You cannot see perspective, depth and distance in your mirrors, which is why you have such a hard time. Look over your shoulders and a whole new world will open up to you!
Let's analyse a typical parking situation using a case study.
There are three cars involved in this case study. Let's call them 'Person A', 'Person B' and 'Person C'
All three cars are driving in the respective order A, B, C in a single file down a single lane, one-way road with cars parked on the right- and left hand side.
Person A has found an empty spot, about one and a half times the length of his car, on the left hand side of the road. Person A stops in the middle of the road. The chance for an attempt has presented itself.
Person B and Person C cannot pass Person A, so they bring their cars to a full stop.
Person A (let's assume this is a 47-year old Singaporean male driving a Mercedes 320 CLK Kompressor) spends the next 30 seconds or so contemplating whether or not he should proceed with the attempt. His wife encourages him to go ahead. Person B (let's assume this is a Dutch 30-year old expat driving a red Honda CRX) patiently waits for what's going to happen. Person C (let's assume this is a 23-year old Singaporean female NUS student, driving her dad's white Nissan Sunny Super Saloon) uses the break to change radio channels.
About 20 seconds after Person A has decided to proceed with the attempt, he has managed to find the reverse gear marked "REVERSE" on his Automatic gearshift. The white reverse lights on the rear of the car light up. The attempt has begun. Person B uses his thumb to drum on the steering wheel on the rhythm of the "Pink Floyd" CD playing in his car. Person C checks her lipstick in the rear-view mirror.
It's a bit hard to see, but Person A is actually moving. He crawls backwards in a straight line until he is halfway down the empty spot. Slowly he starts steering to the left. Person B checks Person C's lipstick in his rear-view mirror.
Person A is still moving backwards. A blind dog can see that he's not going to make it, but Person A insists on giving this a go. Person B is still staring at Person C in his rear-view mirror. Person C is typing an SMS message on her phone.
The attempt failed. Even Person A now sees it. The next 20 seconds are spent on the highly complex process of getting the car back in the drive gear (marked "DRIVE"). The white lights on the rear of the car go out.
Person A drives the car forward and re-aligns it with the car in front of the empty spot. He checks with his wife whether she's sure he should continue with the attempt. She confirms. Person A still remembers how to put the car in reverse. Two nudges down. The white lights on the rear of the car light up again. The car stays stationary. Person A has not yet worked up the concentration to make the second attempt. Person B sighs. Person C glances up from her mobile phone to see what the situation is. A new car (let's call the driver Person D) has pulled up behind Person C.
Person A has worked up the concentration and slowly lets go of the brake paddle. The car is in motion. Having learned from his previous attempt, he starts to steer to the left a little earlier. Person B presses the '<<--' button on his stereo because he wants to hear the same song ('One Slip') again. Person C has received a reply to her SMS message and reads it. Person D (let's assume this is a 98-year old taxi driver driving a blue Toyota Corolla marked 'Comfort Cab') makes a few spastic moves with his head. A fifth car (let's call the driver Person E and let's assume this is a 36-year old Singaporean business woman driving a metallic green BMW 320-i) has caught up and also brings her car to a full stop.
Person A is now 5 centimeters away from the curb but it hasn't occurred to him yet that maybe he should start steering the car to the right again, to bring the car into a parallel with the curb. His wife watches through the side window and tells him he's still got plenty of space-lah. Person B lights up a cigarette. Person C types her reply to the reply to her original SMS message. Person D uses his pinky to pick his left ear and Person E decides to make a phone call to her friend to ask whether she's had her lunch yet.
Person A hits the curb. Person B calls the office to tell them he'll be late. Person C picks up one of the 100 Winnie the Pooh bears which has fallen from the back of the car onto the rear seat while she braked to bring her car to its current stationary situation. Person D grabs his notepad to calculate how much money he's made so far today. Person E is still on the phone with her friend. Two new cars (Person F and Person G) have pulled up from around the corner.
Person A has put the car back into drive mode. The white lights on the rear of his car have gone out. His wife tells him "Aiyo, hit curb cannot lah, must turn sooner, lor!". Person A drives out of the spot and re-aligns his car with the car in front of the spot. Person B, Dutch as he is, switches off his engine to save fuel while thinking "Godverdomme, heb jij je rijbewijs soms gratis bij twee pakken wasmiddel gekregen?". Person C has now noticed Person B's eyes in his rear view mirror. Her lower jaw drops. Person D is still working on his mathematics. It is, after all, half past nine in the morning so he has at least 7 transactions to add up. Person E is still on the phone. Person F (let's assume this is a 41-year old Malaysian driving a blue Toyota semi-truck saying "Wee Kan Suk Enterprises") leans forward over his steering wheel. Person G (let's assume this is a 56-year old male Singaporean marketing manager driving a silver Mitsubishi Lancer) cannot see what is happening because of this blue Toyota truck in front of him, blocking his view, so he assumes Public Utilities Board has broken up the road again to check on their water pipes.
Person A managed to put the car in reverse again. Attempt #3 has commenced. Having learned from his 2 previous attempts, he starts steering to the left immediately. Person B winks to Person C in his rear-view mirror and smiles. Person C sees this and starts to blush while smiling back. She forgets about the reply to her reply to the reply to her initial SMS message. Person D has figured his total earnings so far and gazes through the windscreen at the car in front of him (Person C). Person E is still on the phone. Person F turns around to see if the 30 Indian construction workers are still in the back of his truck (they tend to loose some along the way once in a while). Person G starts up his notebook and logs on to the Internet using his mobile phone to see if the Lotto results are out yet. A new car (Person H, let's assume this is a 37-year old female German expat wife driving a dark blue Audi A4) pulls up.
Person A turned too soon and has now smacked in to the car in front of the empty spot, leaving a good dent in his left rear door. His wife yells "Alamak! Why you so blur one! Now look!", to which he replies "You supposed to watch out lah! I tell you, from here cannot see lor!"
Obviously we're going to have to do this again. The white lights on the rear of Person A's car go out. The car crawls forward and re-aligns with the car in front of the empty spot. Person B lights up a second cigarette and looks over his left shoulder to take a closer look at Person C. He decides she's very pretty, not only in mirror image. Person C sees Person B looking at her and blushes even more, while flashing a wonderful smile back at him. Person D stops the meter since his passengers have decided to walk from here. Person E is still on the phone. Person F is chatting up this Indonesian maid scrubbing the front porch of the house next to Person F's truck. Person G is not so experienced with Internet and is still trying to find those damn Lotto results. Person H honks 3 - 4 times.
Once again, the white reverse lights of Person A's car flash up. We are at attempt #4 now. Person B got out of his car and casually leans over Person C's now opened window to give her his business card and ask her what her name is. Person C suggests meeting up with Person B tonight at 8 pm at 'Bar Savahn' for dinner and drinks. Person B accepts. Person D has now worked out the total fare, including ERP, Peak Hour Surcharge and Advanced Booking Charge and gives the passengers their change while they alight. Person E is still on the phone. Person F has already figured out the maid's name and is now working on her age, while the 30 Indian workers in the back are jumping out of the truck to stretch their legs. Person G has found the Lotto results and won 30 dollars. He calls his wife to share the good news. Person H honks 30 seconds non-stop. Two more cars pull up behind Person H. Let's call them Person I and Person J. Let's assume Person I is a 43-year old Singaporean ambulance driver in his Hyundai ambulance with full sirens and lights, rushing to pick up a high blood pressure patient at number 106 in this street. Let's also assume Person J is a 23-year old airline stewardess on her way to the beauty salon, driving a light blue Mazda MX5 convertible.
Person A is still steadily driving backwards, refuses to turn to the right and is now approaching the green plastic garbage container parked at the curb. Despite Person H's persistent honking, now enhanced with German cursing, Person J can clearly hear Person A's proximity warning system beep in a continuous tone, but Person A doesn't pay any attention to it. A collision is now unavoidable. Person B and Person C watch with a giggle as the container falls over, spilling its content all over the sidewalk. Person D has left his car to grab a quick Roti Prata breakfast at the hawker center across the road. Person E is still on the phone. Person F is now seriously hitting it of with the Indonesian maid through his truck window. The Indian workers have disappeared. Person G calls his parents to tell them about the 30 bucks he just won. Person H is getting really determined by now and swears she'll move back to Hanover before summer this year. Person I switches off the sirens, because he knows there's absolutely no point in keeping them on. Person J checks if all her club membership stickers are still in the correct order on her windscreen.
"Aiyo, you pa jiao izzit?!! why never look one!! tooopid!", Person A's wife shouts. Person A looks over his shoulder (finally) to assess the damage. He puts the car in Drive. The white reverse lights go out. Person A is getting slightly frustrated now and forgets to hold the brake, causing the car to move forward instantly. He recovers just in time to prevent the car from driving into the car parked in front of the empty spot. Person A now has a problem, because he is half way inside the spot, with a turned over garbage container behind him and a parked car in front of him. He can reverse and try to adjust his position, or he can try to get out of this parking spot and give it another go. He decides to give the first option a try. Person B is now back in his car and lights a third cigarette. Person C is finally replying the reply to her reply to the reply to her initial SMS message to her friend. Person D grabs some tissue to wipe some of the Roti Prata sauce, which he accidentally spilled, off his lap. Person E is still on the phone. Person F is now in a furious quarrel with the Indonesian maid's employer, who has caught the two of them doing what they were doing and obviously doesn't accept it. Person G is calling his best friend to invite him to celebrate the 30 bucks he just won over a couple of $15,- beers. Person H has gotten out of her car and is marching to the front of the traffic jam to teach someone a lesson. Person I is standing at the side of his ambulance, polishing the "We Accept  " sticker. Person J sticks her nose in the air when she notices a young man looking at her.
Person A has gone from bad to worse. It is time for him to face the facts. His attempt has failed. He decides he doesn't want to go for lunch in this area after all and would rather go shopping on Orchard Road. His wife seconds the motion, after which Person A puts the car back in 'Drive', manages to maneuver his car past the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and drives off. Person H didn't reach him in time. Glenn Ong announces on 98.7FM that the congestion in Amoy Street is slowly clearing up.
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